Email Parenting Advice

In December, 2007, my dear friends Amy and Bob adopted a 5 year old daughter through the foster care system. They had gone through countless months of waiting and WAY too much paperwork, but the day finally came when they brought their daughter home. Amy emailed me for quick parenting advice the day they brought her home. It's a lot different bringing home a baby than bringing home a 5 year old. I thought about what to share without overwhelming her, then I wrote her back. Here's what I said:

Hi! I have so many little "tips" to give and was thinking about if I had to narrow it down, what would be the one thing I'd share? I think I already told you, but what most kids need (and don't get enough of) is positive attention. If you just sit and give that sweet girl 100% of your attention, listen to her stories, ask her questions, she will LOVE it. Or, read stories (my favorite-- fun for me and it's great for their own reading later), color, do puzzles. Okay, that's all for today. I've been praying hard for you guys!
xoxoo
Audrey

The next day, I had more time, so I interviewed my girls to see what parenting tips they thought I should share with Amy. I was, needless to say, very pleased with what my 12 & 14 year olds had to share:
12 year old: "Don't give them everything they want." It probably will be tempting to get her whatever she wants, since she's had a tough life. We use the, "Let's put it on your list for Christmas/Birthday" Then, when it gets closer to the event, narrow down the list to what she REALLY wants. That way, you won't create a spoiled, entitled child (which is something that is a personal pet peeve of mine)
14 year old: "Give lots of hugs and kisses and tell her you love her." She added, "Even when they don't want them." :) Back rubs at bed time are very popular here, too!
I thought of one more: Kids really like structure/rules, even when they complain about them. They like to know (deep down) that the parents are in charge and will keep things together/structured. Some of the things we do: bedtime routine the same every night: bath, teeth, stories, sleep. :) Make sure she knows that you care about her, but some things (like wearing a seatbelt, saying "please" and "thank you," etc. are expected).
When Owen (age 4) does something wrong, I always tell him that I'll always love him no matter what (even when he's crabby, he has an accident, etc.) but I get frustrated/don't like it when he... (fill in the blank bad thing here)
In your case, I'd do what we tell our counselors to do... Find lots of positive things to say -- "Thanks for using great manners." "That was really nice sharing." "You got ready for bed so fast -- that was super." So she sees that you recognize all the good stuff. That way, she won't start using bad behavior for attention. Well, actually, she will still have bad behavior, but then you can either correct or ignore and still stay positive. :)
I'll keep thinking.... But I'm sure most things will just come naturally for you.
Have a great day, Mom!

Postscript: After more than a year together, Amy, Bob, and their daughter are doing well.