Dear Coach

Because I don't want to sabotage my daughter's season, I won't send this letter. However, the experience of writing it felt good.

Dear Coach,

My daughter loves the game of softball. When she was seven, she always wanted me to go outside to play catch with her. She practiced, and practiced, and practiced. She had FUN. She listened to her coaches and used every tip they gave her. She took every lesson to heart and continued to improve her game. She enthusiastically ran out onto the field for every game and practice. She looked forward to each new season.

She's now 13, and she's a good softball player. We don't have the false aspirations (that many parents have) that this sport is anything more for her than a great chance to be on a team and get some exercise. We've never hired private coaches for her or had her join a club team. Still, we'd like to see her continue playing, because it's something she's good at, and it's a great chance for her to get off the couch and outside. Exercise is good for moody teens, you know.

But she doesn't want to play any more. Why, you ask?

It's because of you. You have taken the fun out of the game she loves. She is 13 and extremely sensitive to the negative comments you make to the team as a whole. Even if she isn't guilty of one of your infractions, she feels badly about it and gets the impression that you think they are all terrible players. She can't relax and enjoy the game. You have made her fear making a mistake. She no longer enjoys going to games, but instead fears what you will say if she "messes up." I believe she's not capable of playing her best under your coaching. She's under too much stress.

I strongly encouraged (okay, I forced) her to try out for your team this year, because I thought it would be good for her to continue playing the game she loves. She didn't want to play anymore because she says it's "too competitive." She's not referring to the game itself but the way you approach the game. It's never about having fun anymore.

At the parent meeting, you said you didn't care whether they won or lost. After watching your reaction to the first two games (both losses), I'm wondering if that was an accurate statement. Your post-game speeches are demoralizing. Your negative comments don't help the girls get better.

We're helping her cope by using humor (at your expense). We get a good laugh at her recap of your comments.

How do you think the girls would respond if you complimented them on the things they did correctly? I know my daughter would respond positively if you gave her one small compliment, or even if you remembered her name.

I'll leave you with some final questions to ponder: Why did you start coaching? Was it because you loved the game?

My daughter will finish this season with you, because she's not a quitter, but this is probably her last season.

How many other girls have stopped playing because of you?