Dear Coach

Because I don't want to sabotage my daughter's season, I won't send this letter. However, the experience of writing it felt good.

Dear Coach,

My daughter loves the game of softball. When she was seven, she always wanted me to go outside to play catch with her. She practiced, and practiced, and practiced. She had FUN. She listened to her coaches and used every tip they gave her. She took every lesson to heart and continued to improve her game. She enthusiastically ran out onto the field for every game and practice. She looked forward to each new season.

She's now 13, and she's a good softball player. We don't have the false aspirations (that many parents have) that this sport is anything more for her than a great chance to be on a team and get some exercise. We've never hired private coaches for her or had her join a club team. Still, we'd like to see her continue playing, because it's something she's good at, and it's a great chance for her to get off the couch and outside. Exercise is good for moody teens, you know.

But she doesn't want to play any more. Why, you ask?

It's because of you. You have taken the fun out of the game she loves. She is 13 and extremely sensitive to the negative comments you make to the team as a whole. Even if she isn't guilty of one of your infractions, she feels badly about it and gets the impression that you think they are all terrible players. She can't relax and enjoy the game. You have made her fear making a mistake. She no longer enjoys going to games, but instead fears what you will say if she "messes up." I believe she's not capable of playing her best under your coaching. She's under too much stress.

I strongly encouraged (okay, I forced) her to try out for your team this year, because I thought it would be good for her to continue playing the game she loves. She didn't want to play anymore because she says it's "too competitive." She's not referring to the game itself but the way you approach the game. It's never about having fun anymore.

At the parent meeting, you said you didn't care whether they won or lost. After watching your reaction to the first two games (both losses), I'm wondering if that was an accurate statement. Your post-game speeches are demoralizing. Your negative comments don't help the girls get better.

We're helping her cope by using humor (at your expense). We get a good laugh at her recap of your comments.

How do you think the girls would respond if you complimented them on the things they did correctly? I know my daughter would respond positively if you gave her one small compliment, or even if you remembered her name.

I'll leave you with some final questions to ponder: Why did you start coaching? Was it because you loved the game?

My daughter will finish this season with you, because she's not a quitter, but this is probably her last season.

How many other girls have stopped playing because of you?

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question

A few weeks ago, as a new blogger, I got VERY caught up in the blogosphere. I started writing a few things, but mostly I started leaping from blog to blog, caught in the web of excitement -- new recipes! sad stories! beautifully-designed blogs! I could blog around forever (is that the verb for looking at blogs?) But, alas, real life set in and I haven't been able to invest my time in the blog world as much recently. This is a hobby for me -- a fun thing that's really just for me. And I deserve "me" time, but my internal debate is now what I should do with my limited "me" time. I'm thinking...
Exercise
Read a good book
Sleep (like I should be doing now)
Watch The Office
So many hobbies, but so little time to do them. I must prioritize!
On a similar note, I've become obsessed with the thought that we're all WAY too addicted to the internet. I have an iPhone. Yikes. Now I can check my email constantly. Not a good thing. I must discipline myself to just check a few times a day. Such a time waster. I think I'll never get to my big goals in life if I feel tied to the "unreads."
And Facebook. Oh my! Now my generation has jumped on. I'm sure this is to the dismay of the younger crowd. It is so fun to reconnect with old friends, but again, I ask, how much time should I be spending voyeuristically looking at people I barely know.
A mom at my son's school is dieing of cancer. She is 33 and her goal is to make it to her 34th birthday next month. Such a tragic story but also a reminder that EACH DAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD. And we should be using each day well.
I'm going to continue to blog (maybe read others more than writing my own) but I am going to discipline myself to limit my online time, whether it's email, blogging, or Facebook. I just don't want my tombstone to read, "She was always on her computer."

Reluctant Triathlete

Watching my husband compete in two Arizona Ironman events, I felt a variety of emotions. My first emotion was relief. Relief that I wasn't in that mass of swimmers. The bodies packed tightly together, kicking one another, looked not only unappealing, but scary to me. The second emotion was pride. Pride in my husband for being motivated to train for and compete in such a daunting athletic event. He didn't even seem nervous. I also had a sense of awe. Awe in the variety of participants, from the pro triathletes who practically glided through each event, to the slowest and oldest participants, who had set a goal for themselves and were going to complete the event no matter what pain and discomfort they were in. The finish line at night, when the regular athletes finished, was an amazing sight. It almost made me want to try one.

I'm not a triathlete. That's my husband's thing. I'm a runner. I'm pretty good at running, too. I qualified for the Boston Marathon with a 3:40 run at the CIM (California International Marathon), then ran Boston in 2008 and finished with exactly the same time. In my age group, I'm pretty fast at short events, too. I can run about a 22 minute 5K. Here in the Central Valley, I compete in a lot of local events and take home hardware regularly. Basically, I'm comfortable and happy with my feet on the ground and my head facing forward to breath. Running has always come naturally to me.

I know, though, that some of the best things in life come from challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone. So, therein lies the reason why I'm signed up to do the Olympic Distance event at the Wildflower Triathlon this year. My husband's doing the Half Ironman distance. We're bringing the kids and camping out. We've joined a triathlon team (TC3 -- Tri Club Central California). Between now and May 2, I'm going to (1) Learn how to swim and (2) Make sure I can get my feet unclipped from my bike.

I once participated in a local sprint distance triathlon. During the 400 yard swim, I spent a lot of time floating on my back doing the back stroke. I'm very inefficient in my swimming. Very un-Michael Phelps-like. All I felt after the swim was a tremendous sense of relief. Relief that I hadn't drowned. Relief that I was done. I didn't enjoy it. So, I've signed up to take a swimming class through our local community college. I start on February 23. I don't expect to become a great swimmer, but I hope to be able to avoid my signature back float at Wildflower.

My husband is my cycling coach. We're going to try to go for some rides. So far, we haven't been on any. Today, though, we're going to really make it out on the open road. I'm looking forward to it. It's our Valentine's date. He also has some videos and a thing that you can put your bike on to ride in place. I guess I'll do that, too. He set it up for me a couple of weeks ago, but I walked right by it and ran on the treadmill instead. It's a comfort zone thing.

So, now I'm a triathlete, I guess (or will be by May 2). Even though I'm going to work on my swimming and cycling, I know it is going to be with a tremendous sense of joy that I get off my bike and head out on the 10K run. I will be proud of myself at that finish line, even though I won't be winning any speed records. And who knows? If all goes well, maybe someday you'll see me doing an Ironman, too.

Above picture is from Boston Marathon finish area (April, 2008).

Email Parenting Advice

In December, 2007, my dear friends Amy and Bob adopted a 5 year old daughter through the foster care system. They had gone through countless months of waiting and WAY too much paperwork, but the day finally came when they brought their daughter home. Amy emailed me for quick parenting advice the day they brought her home. It's a lot different bringing home a baby than bringing home a 5 year old. I thought about what to share without overwhelming her, then I wrote her back. Here's what I said:

Hi! I have so many little "tips" to give and was thinking about if I had to narrow it down, what would be the one thing I'd share? I think I already told you, but what most kids need (and don't get enough of) is positive attention. If you just sit and give that sweet girl 100% of your attention, listen to her stories, ask her questions, she will LOVE it. Or, read stories (my favorite-- fun for me and it's great for their own reading later), color, do puzzles. Okay, that's all for today. I've been praying hard for you guys!
xoxoo
Audrey

The next day, I had more time, so I interviewed my girls to see what parenting tips they thought I should share with Amy. I was, needless to say, very pleased with what my 12 & 14 year olds had to share:
12 year old: "Don't give them everything they want." It probably will be tempting to get her whatever she wants, since she's had a tough life. We use the, "Let's put it on your list for Christmas/Birthday" Then, when it gets closer to the event, narrow down the list to what she REALLY wants. That way, you won't create a spoiled, entitled child (which is something that is a personal pet peeve of mine)
14 year old: "Give lots of hugs and kisses and tell her you love her." She added, "Even when they don't want them." :) Back rubs at bed time are very popular here, too!
I thought of one more: Kids really like structure/rules, even when they complain about them. They like to know (deep down) that the parents are in charge and will keep things together/structured. Some of the things we do: bedtime routine the same every night: bath, teeth, stories, sleep. :) Make sure she knows that you care about her, but some things (like wearing a seatbelt, saying "please" and "thank you," etc. are expected).
When Owen (age 4) does something wrong, I always tell him that I'll always love him no matter what (even when he's crabby, he has an accident, etc.) but I get frustrated/don't like it when he... (fill in the blank bad thing here)
In your case, I'd do what we tell our counselors to do... Find lots of positive things to say -- "Thanks for using great manners." "That was really nice sharing." "You got ready for bed so fast -- that was super." So she sees that you recognize all the good stuff. That way, she won't start using bad behavior for attention. Well, actually, she will still have bad behavior, but then you can either correct or ignore and still stay positive. :)
I'll keep thinking.... But I'm sure most things will just come naturally for you.
Have a great day, Mom!

Postscript: After more than a year together, Amy, Bob, and their daughter are doing well.

It was just a blanket...

"Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things...I am tempted to think there are no little things." Bruce Barton

Last summer we had a reunion at camp where many campers and staff came to visit and reminisce about their camp memories from as far back as the 1940s and as recently as the 1990s. One woman who showed up spent just one summer with us in the mid-1990s. She told me a story about me that I didn't remember. It was about a blanket that I gave her when she was cold. She said it was her first night at camp (as a counselor) and she was having trouble getting adjusted. She was thinking about leaving and feeling very uncomfortable and cold. I guess I talked to her and reassured her that she would feel better after she got used to things. I also gave her a blanket. Not a big deal, right? Apparently, to her it was a big deal. She remembers it and says it was the reason she stayed and worked at camp that summer. She remembered very clearly a little thing I had done. Whoa. The implications are daunting. It got me to thinking about all the little things I've done and the incredible power of the little things. I'm sure that for every positive little thing I've done, there has been something equally not-so-positive. Instead of obsessing about what I could have done or not done in the past, though, I vow to focus on the little things that I can do now to be a blessing to others...simple, little things that even a busy mom has time for.

What Not to Do

Dear Fellow Mom Bloggers,
I am new to blogging but have been inspired by Tiffany to share with you a few of my ideas and stories. Here's a little bit about me: I am a wife, mother of four kids ages 5-15, and a camp director. I'm also a runner, and that's my "me" time. That probably sounds crazy to non-runners, but I love running with my iPod cranking contemporary Christian songs. It really clears my mind and makes me a better person. I'm not a good cook, although I make good chocolate chip cookies and hummus (not together) and have figured out some super-easy crockpot dinners. I'll share those with you some time. I love to read but can't call myself a reader at the moment, because I rarely have time these days. Does reading blogs count???
I was a Camp Director working with other people's kids before I had any of my own. Before I had my own kids, I was fairly judgmental of the crazy things some parents say and do to their kids. Now I'm one of the crazy parents doing those very things myself, so I can relate to the parenting foibles of others much better. I think I've also learned some great parenting tips from the families I've worked with at camp and from my own kids. So, I'll just jump in and see if anyone wants to hear what I have to say.
I'll start with a story and an idea of what NOT to do: Don't comment on or pick at any blackheads on your teenage daughter. She sits next to me in the car. For the past two weeks, when I glanced her way, I noticed a blackhead in the crease where her nose meets the face (the really hard place to get to). I didn't say anything until I was in her room two nights ago. I asked if I could try to "get it." She said it really didn't bother her, but I persisted. I started poking and picking and wasn't making any progress. I turned into a maniac, yelling at the blackhead and telling it I wasn't going to let it beat me. I had my daughter pinned with her face on her pillow. "Other kids don't let their moms do this," she said and "Ouch, that hurts!" But I persisted. The result? Now my daughter, who once had a microscopic blackhead, has a red, inflamed area around her nose caused 100% by me. And I still didn't get the blackhead. AAGH! I apologized profusely and vowed to never again interfere with my kids' skin issues. She has graciously forgiven me, but I am still mortified. I should have learned from all of my own ill-fated experiences with picking at my skin that it is NEVER a good idea. Probably none of you would ever do this, but I just thought I'd pass along the tip.
Cheers,
Audrey